My Friends & Neighbors

Five of my friends will be getting married this year. A few more just got engaged. Now I'm the guy who's marriage failed. Everyone will be looking at me when I go to these weddings... they'll stare at me with pity.... they'll think it's tough for me to be there, to see someone else take vows in front of me....

80% of marriages end in divorce. You think your marriage is going to be different... you think you're going to be one of the rare 20% that makes it.... so did I.

But I'm starting into the single world now, but I have no clue what I'm doing. When heading out into the single world at 28, where do you turn for the best dating advice? Why, your friends of course!

The names in this blog will be changed to protect the innocent.... and the guilty.

I have two roommates. They've been dating for 15 years. Yes, you read that right. DATING for 15 years. She wants a ring, he doesn't. His mentality: "Why fix what isn't broken." I'd love to argue that, but the ring in my relationship only seemed to hurt things. For the purpose of this blog we're going to call the female in the relationship JANE GOODALL.

JANE GOODALL is the sweetest, most caring person I know, but she's also the girl who can hang with the guys and let out a fart without a second glance. She's a special kind of woman and I seriously mean that in the best way. She's one of my closest friends and I hope to meet a girl just like her in my dating quest. She works with animals, volunteering on a spay and neuter truck on some of her weekends, which is basically an assembly line of castration. We had a baby possum trapped in our pool filter and Jane brought it into the house, nursed it back to health, then released it into the wild. She did the same with a bird. Thus, she is Jane Goodall.

THE COUNT is what I'm choosing to call her boyfriend of 15 years.... because, well, he kind of looks like The Count from Sesame Street to be honest. Great guy, my best friend on the planet, he's helped me out ever since I moved to Los Angeles and has stuck by me through even more. Indecisive but a great guy and the greatest friend you could ask for.

PRETTY BOY is what I'm calling my other friend who's been in the dating game for a while and seems to know how to play quite well. I've kept track of his exploits over the years I've known him. I've created little nicknames for the different girls he's been with. There was the "Mormon Girl" who liked to choke and be choked... yeah.... while in mid-coitis she said she was going to smother him in his sleep and then put an empty bottle of pills on his nightstand so his roommates would think he killed himself.... quite a turn off. Another was "Hello Kitty" who was a little too immature and young for Pretty Boy.... plus she had a collection of Hello Kitty merchandise that was excessive to say the least. Could you image hooking up with someone while all those little Japanese kittens are staring at you? Those big round eyes... Scary. Then there's "Tinkerbell" who seems to be alluding Pretty Boy. He says they're just friends but I'm not buying it. Finally, there's "The Cougar" who was the incredibly hot bartender at our local hangout.... only problem was that she's 35 and Pretty Boy is 25. Not that there's anything wrong with the age difference, it just wasn't what he was looking for... he realized this AFTER they'd already hooked up, of course.

PISTOL PETE is my other single friend. Pistol is a great, really nice guy.... but is that a problem? Girl's seem to want assholes, they don't respond to kindness or sincerity right away. Which is a shame, because he's quite a catch. He used to be a little overweight but within the last couple years, he's lost over 100 pounds and has a pretty amazing build now. He's fun, funny, and is always a good time when we hang out. He's the only person I know who owns a gun, thus the name.

CHARLIE BROWN is the name I will be using when I refer to myself. Because, quite simply, I am Charlie Brown from the Peanuts cartoon. Life is like Lucy holding that football. Every time I run up to kick it, Life pulls it right out from under me.

Good grief.

Now when looking for advice on how to start dating again, who should I turn to?? The couple that has been out of the dating game for 15 years? The Pretty Boy who might just be too good of a player? Pistol Pete who hasn't really dated much the entire time I've known him?? No one seems to have a good handle on things. I get different advice from each person. Do I really want to try and meet a girl at a bar? What should I say to open the conversation? Should I try internet dating? Speed dating? Where do you meet women in LA? I know they're everywhere, but when is a good time to approach them? It's like I'm hunting and the allusive deer is out there grazing in the open field but I'm not sure when to take the shot. Maybe I should try all of the above. Maybe I should try each person's advice and see which works the best. That sounds like a plan.....

THE PLAN: Over the next couple of blog entries, I'll be heading out and trying each of the different approaches. I'll sign up for a web dating service. I'll look up the next speed dating session. I'll try it all. I am divorced by 30 and I'm going to try every type of dating there is.

...and here we go....